hauntyouforever

hi i'm the person who asked for advice on depression a little while ago. i want to thank you for taking the time to respond so kindly. i appreciate you opening yourself up like that. i can really understand everything you described, and just knowing there are other people feeling how i'm feeling is very comforting. i felt a bit better for a while after that, and i'm pretty down again, but as you said, its an ebb and flow, and i'm just trying to remind myself of that. but really, thank you

Tue, 07 May 2013 01:02:15 -0400

i’m really glad it helped at all. depression is a shitty thing for real. all mental illness is (or like most, i dont know. maybe there’s a cool mental illness out there. like synesthesia i’m sure that’s fun for a little while maybe).

i try & answer everything i can about depression/anxiety/addiction/etc those kinds of things just cause one of the worst parts of those problems (particularly depression/anxiety and especially if you’re younger or experiencing it for the first time) is you feel really alone and alienated because of it and dont know where to turn/who to talk to. i’m sure other people who are trained to help might be able to help more, but if i can talk about my own experiences (since i’ve been experiencing it all for a long time now - my whole life more or less) and tell someone about it to try and help them get perspective for find ways to cope/deal i’m very happy to do so.

it’s different for everyone and all i can do is try and give support & also share what helps me/what i do in case someone else finds it helps them too. remembering that it’s something constantly in motion is the most important thing i think. i’m glad you’re keeping it in mind. just try and remember that even if it never gets fixed (and i dont want to be bleak, but i dont think it’s something that can ever be fully fixed) it will get better - and it might stay better or at least more manageable for a long time. it’s always back and forth, and the biggest thing i know i have control over & i think other people do too if how you deal with it and approach it. it’s really really hard but it helps to try and keep that in mind, definitely.

i really hope you feel better again soon, but until then i hope you’re able to cope and get through it. finding someone you can trust to talk to about it - whether it’s a friend, family member, or someone like a therapist/etc - can be very helpful if you need an outlet, but always feel free to message me again about anything, ill keep trying to answer everything i get on the subject on any of my blogs.

dungeon kids @ club k 4/10

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 23:10:04 -0400

dungeon kids @ club k 4/10

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 23:09:45 -0400

dungeon kids @ club k 4/10

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 23:09:27 -0400

dungeon kids @ club k 4/10

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 23:08:22 -0400

dungeon kids @ club k 4/10

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 23:08:07 -0400

dungeon kids @ club k 4/10

zac from dungeon kids during their set at club k 4/10

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 23:07:47 -0400

zac from dungeon kids during their set at club k 4/10

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Fri, 26 Apr 2013 23:06:37 -0400

dan from infinity crush

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 23:06:20 -0400

dan from infinity crush

dan&caroline of infinity crush

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 23:05:29 -0400

dan&caroline of infinity crush

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Fri, 26 Apr 2013 23:05:08 -0400

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Fri, 26 Apr 2013 23:04:25 -0400

my friend alec simke. expired velvia 100f cross processed.

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 23:04:09 -0400

my friend alec simke. expired velvia 100f cross processed.

Your pictures are amazing :3 also, where are you from? The places you take your pictures look so beautiful. ❤

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 01:15:36 -0400

thank you :) i’m from maryland and most of my pictures are taken in maryland, though others are from anywhere along the east coast - new york, pennsylvania, south carolina, new jersey, places like that. a few from italy probably sneak in from time to time too but in general it’s all pretty local.

when you say you don't think staying alive is right for everyone, what do you mean? especially when you mention 'forgetting the love around you'? sorry if this is dumb

Sun, 21 Apr 2013 21:48:51 -0400

i mean exactly what it sounds like. staying alive isn’t right for everyone. you can’t fault someone for giving up their life because life isn’t for everyone. a lot of things in life can’t be fixed & to try and fix them is a sisyphean task i wouldn’t wish on anyone.

you can just try to keep going as long as you can but sooner or later it’ll take you.

thats what it means about ‘forgetting the love around you’. suicide is typically thought to be selfish, and that’s why. its easy to write off the love of people around you or forget about it in that interest.

but it’s equally easy for the people around the one suffering to not realize to what extent they’re suffering - especially people who will never fully understand it.

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Fri, 19 Apr 2013 14:42:32 -0400

do you have any advice on how to get out of a depressive slump? i've wanted to die for a long time but i couldnt put anyone through the sadness i felt when two close friends committed suicide so i feel stuck and i dont know what to do. don't feel pressured to reply though. anyway thanks for your music, its very comforting and relatable and beautiful

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 03:23:00 -0400

hi sorry i’ve let this one sit a couple hours before answering cause it’s a tough question from any angle.

i wanted to die for most of my life - from the time i was a little kid pretty much i guess - though i was also very terrified of death at a certain age so it was a conflicted feeling. for a while i was glad i was alive after that even though i still wanted to die - i realized my emotions are always in flux and as i learned more about depression i learned how it’s a coming & going and not something that is fixable or ever going to get better or really show standard improvement.

instead, depression is something that is constant but in flux. it lives within you and it can be an asset to you or your worst enemy. you don’t control it, but you certainly have a degree of control over it because you choose (to an extent) how to take it when it comes. this doesn’t sound easy and i know it’s not. i learned over a great deal of time my own coping mechanisms with depression - starting with how to recognize it’s approach in advance. when i know i’m going to fall back into that place i’ve been over&over i start preparing. there’s nothing i can really do - i can’t talk about it with most people i know anyway, even people i care about a lot. they either don’t understand it totally & there’s no point pushing it on them, or they understand it completely and there’s nothing to say.

that’s not to say i’ve learned ways to beat it or fix it or cure it or make it go away. i’ve only learned that, given enough time and if i handle things appropriately, i’ll get through it and get back to normal (more or less) for a little while at least.

things that help me with that are staying busy when it’s not bad enough to keep me in bed yet. i try and propel myself forwards - if i can’t do it creatively, as that’s one of the first things it takes, then i try to with more elementary and rational goals. if i can’t write music, ill try and focus on getting good press for music i’ve already written. if i’ve given up on music ever again, i just try and focus on being able to eat. if i can’t eat anymore, i just try and make sure i get out of bed&shower if i can, or eat some crackers, wander around. if i can’t do that anymore, i just try and get to the night so i can get to the next day. it’s always in flux.

once i can’t keep myself busy & i resign myself to basically staying in bed for days at a time, i just have to force myself into the mindset that it’s not temporary. with any illness that lasts you forget whatsoever what it’s like to be healthy. illness becomes the way of life & the norm. i’ve had the flu for 1-2 months. i’ve had opiate withdrawals & other withdrawals that lasted over a week in the worst symptoms - months in the lingering psychological effects. it always becomes standard to think of being sick as “normal” but it’s not. depression is the same. i forget that i can be normal sometimes - even though at my best i don’t feel like other people should. i know that i’ve had my good days and i know that i’ll feel that way again - it’s never going to be a permanent thing. i long thought it was. i just got out of a depressive/suicidal slump that probably lasted close to a year . now i feel better than i literally ever have before in my life. i know it won’t last, but that’s okay. keeping in mind that things are in flux is the biggest struggle and the best thing i think you can do for yourself.

as far as actual suicide and being stuck, that’s trickier. you have the right mindset (if there is one) for staying alive. i personally don’t argue against suicide and i think that people who think it’s selfish are fucking morons who have no empathy and have never experienced anything in life. that said, it is a horrible thing to have to go through - losing someone close to you, especially that way. and i know that it’s commonly thought (maybe even proven?) that those close to the suicide victim often blame themselves, far, far more than any other kind of death - which is to be expected, in a way.

i don’t think that staying alive is right for everyone and i wouldn’t blame my best friends if they thought it was their time, but i would blame myself. and i remember this whenever i think about it. i know that some people would understand - some of my closest family members & friends even - but most people would still blame themselves for it and i wouldn’t ever want to do that to them, even if i’ve tried before irrationally (and maybe even rationally).

i’m not advocating suicide by any means, and i don’t think you should do it. i think that you have (like i said) the right mindset here (if one exists) and certainly one i sympathize with since i feel the same. it sucks feeling stuck or trapped on this earth. it’s one of the worst feelings. you can resent everyone you love because you feel like their love is the only thing keeping you from rest/peace/whatever death might be hopefully. but don’t do that. forgetting the love around you is just as selfish as forgetting the suffering of others. it goes both ways and it’s a shitty dichotomy.

but it’s constantly in motion and it will pass in time. there are ways to get through it in the short term but i haven’t found a good way through in the long term yet - that said, i’m still here. i don’t feel as bad as i used to, ever, really right now and i’m just trying to see how long it can last and do all i can & utilize all i’ve learned about myself and this shitty process from those around me to keep going.

i can tell you not to use drugs to get through. i’ve done that over and over. though it works in the short term, a physical and emotional dependence is going to follow very quickly, especially in situational drug use like that, and it’ll bring you that much closer to death that much quicker, and not in the way you want. you start living like a zombie, doing the bare minimum to get through - in my case i was doing this, i thought, for other peoples sake. existing (the only way i thought i could) simply to be there for them. to keep up appearances, etc.

since getting clean & trying to turn everything around, i’ve found that i can actually be myself & feel like myself (or at least as close as i’ve ever gotten) around my family, friends, etc. when they’re proud of me, i don’t feel fake. when they’re happy with me i don’t feel any shame for hiding something. it’s something i took for granted for so long and i think it’s a key part of feeling the way i do now.

so no, don’t use drugs, i wish i could tell you another way to get through and i know there are some, but unfortunately there’s no easy answer like that. it’s a matter of figuring out a ton of little things and tweaking them. learning way more about yourself than you probably thought you even could. it sucks kind of. i dont know. it definitely sucks. but it’s worth it to keep going.

i think that being able to be open with people is one of the best things that can help - whether it’s being free of an addiction and feeling “at home” again with people, or simply being as up front as you can about your feelings to the people you trust most. i know it’s not easy and i don’t know if there are many people in my life i could be that truthful with, but there are a couple i can get close, and they get me through a ton.

i’m glad my music’s been comforting. it’s nice to have something in times like that. i’ve spent a ton of days (especially in the summer) lying in bed to akira kosemura’s polaroid piano & that feeling of resignation and a vague heatsickness permeated probably everything i’ll ever do after, but it was comforting too.

i hope you get through it. i know you can - i know a lot of people who have & they’re the strongest people i know. it just takes a lot of practice.

it doesnt get better, but it gets easier if you let it & you work with it + learn from it.

good luck.

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Mon, 15 Apr 2013 19:53:14 -0400

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Mon, 15 Apr 2013 19:52:22 -0400